Should my child attend the Funeral or Memorial Service?
So, you had someone close to you die and you are wondering if your child should attend the funeral or memorial service. There is not a definite ‘right or wrong’ answer to this question. However, there are several things that you can consider to help make the best decision for your family. This is certainly a high-stress time. You know your child best. Read through the considerations below to help you come to a decision that works best for your child(ren). I come here with more questions than answers to help you think through what makes the most sense to support your grieving child.
Things to consider:
Their relationship with the person who died: How close is your child to the person who died? Is this a parent, grandparent, sibling, close aunt/uncle/friend/cousin, an acquaintance or distant relative? Is this someone that your child saw very frequently or is this someone that your child has only met once or twice in their life? Did your child communicate with this person often? Thinking through how close your child was with this person can help you think through the importance of attending the funeral or service.
Their temperament and personality: How is your child in social settings? Are they able to sit still for short periods of time? Are they highly anxious? What makes them anxious---new situations or when things are out of their control? Do they calm when they know what to expect? Are they highly sensitive? Adaptable when they have support? Do they do best when they are involved and told what will be occurring? What supports your child?
Ability to prepare them for what to expect: Kids will need a bit of information first about what to expect at the funeral. Can someone provide this information to them with simple, concrete information? Children will need general information about death as well as what to expect at the funeral without the use of euphemisms. Books can be an incredibly helpful resource to have conversations about what to expect. A few of my favorites: The Funeral by Matt James, Death is Stupid by Anastasia Higginbotham, I Miss You: A First Look at Death by Pat Thomas, and Why do I feel so Sad by Tracy Lambert. Other favorite books can be found here
Kids will need information about what they will:
See at the funeral: Will this be an open or closed casket? Will there be an urn? A vast range of emotions will be displayed—children should be prepared for all the emotions they may see. Will there be flowers, pictures of the person who died, other items? Where will the funeral or service take place? Who will be there?
Hear at the funeral: What will they hear at the funeral? Songs, poems, readings, people crying/laughing, talking? What phrases will they often hear from others?
Taste at the funeral: Will there be food before or after the service?
Touch at the funeral: Perhaps there will be the option to go up to the casket? Perhaps there will be a lot of hugging—is this something your child is okay with? Can you help them advocate for themselves if this is not comforting to them.
Smell at the funeral: Any smells that they should be aware of?
Their desire to attend the funeral: Perhaps the very best indicator and strongest weight of the decision will be determined by this answer. Does your child want to attend the funeral? Have they asked to attend the funeral? What are their thoughts, wishes, fears, concerns? What came up when you gave them information about what to expect at the funeral? Giving children choice in the matter will empower them and give them control in a time that may feel very out of their control.
So let’s say they have decided that they would like to attend the funeral. How can we best support them?
Offering choices for involvement: It can be helpful for children to have a role within the funeral or service planning or implementation. Would they like to bring something to leave with the person who died? Perhaps a drawing, letter, picture, or small meaningful trinket? Would they like to help pick out songs for the service or pick out flowers or a gift basket? Would they like to pick out a reading, poem, or create their own reading for the service? Do they want to hand out programs? Would they rather sit back and have a passive role at the funeral? What is helpful for them?
Opportunity to take breaks during the funeral: Funerals can be heavy for anyone, especially kids/teens. Is there a space that they can go to in order to take a break for a moment? Can they step outside somewhere or go to another room?
Support person available during the funeral: Having a support person present at the funeral can be helpful when things get a little overwhelming. This person can be with them if/when they need to take a break. They can be there to help explain things that are happening or to be their point person to take them out of the room if things become too overwhelming.
Benefits of having children attend funerals:
Acceptance of the reality of the death
Opportunity to engage in healing rituals
Gain support from family/friends who are also grieving
Ability to honor the person that died
Validation of and normalization of complex grief emotions
Control and independence being given the opportunity to decide/take part in the funeral
When children should not attend funerals:
If they do not want to attend (being forced to attend will do more harm than good).
If they are not prepared for what to expect they may have misconceptions or fears that can do harm. Children should have a support person that can help them process what to expect and how to cope with the events of the funeral and the death.
Need more support or guidance for your unique grief situation? Schedule a consult and we can explore together the best options for your family.
